Excerpt from "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland"

So I recently went to the bookstore to get some more reading material, something I'm trying to make a habit in doing (reading that is). As I was looking around, I came to a shelf and happened upon a copy of Lewis Carroll's "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland". It didn't have the usual additional story of "Through the Looking Glass", but I looked at the price tag and it was on $1.00. How can you pass up a book for a buck? It's the second such find I have come across at Hastings, my bookstore of choice in Greeley and one that I think needs more business. The last find was "The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde", and it was only $0.90. I don't really know what kinds of books to look for when I am there looking, so I typically just browse around 'til I find one that catches my attention, and if the price is appealing than I'm easily convinced to purchase it. Such was the case for both of the above books, although not all of my books are in the $1.00 range.

So, as I read "Alice's. . ." I started laughing REALLY hard when I got to a certain point in the end of the book. Being a big fan of puns, and dry humor in general, the following is one of the funniest pieces of writing I have ever read.

Backgrounder: In said part, Alice is speaking to the Gryphon and the Mock Turtle. They are sharing with Alice what their experiences were like going to school (or "lessons" as they call it). (I think it is best imagined in your best English accent you can muster, the puns seems to carry better that way.)

"So they went up to the Mock Turtle, who looked at them with large eyes full of tears, but said nothing.
"'This here young lady' said the Gryphon, 'she wants for to know your history, she do.'
"'I'l tell it her, ' said the Mock Turtle in a deep, hollow tone. 'Sit down, both of you, and don't speak a word till I've finished.'
"So they sat down, and nobody spoke for some minutes. Alice thought to herself 'I don't see how he can ever finish, if he doesn't begin.' But she waitied patiently.
"'Once, ' said the Mock Turtle at last, with a deep sigh, 'I was a real Turtle.'
"These words were followed by a very long silence, broken only by an occasional exclamation of 'Hjckrrh!' from the Gryphon, and the constant heavy sobbing of the Mock Turtle, Alice was very nearly getting up and saying 'Thank you, Sir, for your interesting story,' but she could not help thinking there must be more to come, so she sat still and said nothing.
"'When we were little,' the Mock Turtle went on at last, more calmly, though still sobbing a little now and then, "we went to school in the sea. The master was an old turtle-- we used to call him Tortoise--'
"'Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn't one?' Alice asked.
"'We called him Tortoise because he taught us,' said the Mock Turtle angrily. 'Really you are very dull!'
"'You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple question,' added the Gryphon; and then they both sat silent and looked at poor Alice, who felt ready to sink into the earth. At last the Gryphon said to the Mock Turtle 'Drive on, old fellow! Don't be all day about it!', and he went on in these words:--
"'Yes, we went to school in the sea, though you mayn't believe it--'
"'I never said I didn't!' interrupted Alice.
"'You did,' said the Mock Turtle.
"'Hold your tongue!' added the Gryphon, before Alice could speak again. The Mock Turtle went on.
"'We had the best of educations-- in fact, we went to school every day--'
"'I've been to a day-school, too' said Alice. 'You needn't be so proud as all that.'
"'With extras?' asked the Mock Turtle, a little anxiously.
"'Yes,' said Alce: 'we learned French and music.'
"'And washing?' said the Mock Turtle.
Certainly not!' said Alice indignantly.
"'Ah! Then yours wasn't a really good school,' said the Mock Turtle in a tone of great relief. 'Now, at ours, they had, at the end of the bill, 'French, music, and washing-- extra.'
"'You couldn't have wanted it much,' said Alice; 'living at the bottom of the sea.'
"'I couldn't afford to learn it,' said the Mock turtle with a sigh, 'I only took the regular course.'
"'What was that?' inquired Alice.
"'Reeling and writhing, of course, to begin with,' the Mock Turtle replied: 'and then the different branches of Arithmetic-- Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision.'
"'I never heard of Uglification' Alice ventured to say. 'What is it?'
The Gryphon lifted up both its paws in surprise. 'Never heard of uglifying!' it exclaimed. 'You know what to beautify is, I suppose?'
"'Yes,' said Alice doubtfully: 'it means- to- make- anything- prettier.'
"'Well, then,' the Gryphon went on, 'if you don't know what to uglify is, you are a simpleton.'
"Alice did not feel encouraged to ask any more questions about it: so she turned to the Mock Turtle, and said, 'What else had you to learn?'
"'Well, there was Mystery,' the Mock Turtle replied, counting off the subjects on his flappers,--'Mystery, ancient and modern, with Seaography: then Drawling-- the Drawling-master was an old conger-eel, that used to come once a week: he taught us Drawling, Stretching, and Fainting in Coils.'
"'What was that like?' said Alice.
"'Well, I ca'n't show it you, myself,' the Mock Turtle said: "I'm too stiff. And the Gryphon never learnt it.'
"'Hadn't time,' said the Gryphon: 'I went to the Classical master, though. He was an old crab, he was.'
"'I never went to him,' the Mock Turtle said with a sigh. 'He taught Laughing and Grief, they used to say.'
"'So he did, so he did,' said the Gryphon, sighing in his turn; and both creatures hid their faces in their paws.
(Insert narrator's request here: Drum-roll, please! This is the best, and last, part.)
"'And how many hours a day did you do lessons?' said Alice, in a hurry to change the subject.
"Ten hours the first day,' said the Mock Turtle: 'nine the next, and so on.'
"'What a curious plan!' exclaimed Alice.
"'That's the reason their called lessons,' the Gryphon remarked: 'because they lessen from day to day.'
"This was quite a new idea to Alice, and she thought it over a little before she made her next remark. 'Then the eleventh day must have been a holiday?'
"'Of course it was,' said the Mock Turtle."

(End of section.)

I think I have not laughed so hard while reading this part as I have for any reading ever in my life. I just had to share that.